


Living for Something Else

by Emptynarration



Category: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (Movies)
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Depressed Newt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Relationships, Hurt Newt Scamander, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Newt Scamander's Suitcase, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Newt Scamander, Suicidal Newt, Suicidal Thoughts, comfort creature, comfort item
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:47:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,868
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24199192
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emptynarration/pseuds/Emptynarration
Summary: Newt has always lived for something else.First it had been Leta, then it had been his creatures.Then, Percival Graves happened.This is a re-write of my first fic titled the same, hopefully with further chapters and better written.
Relationships: Original Percival Graves/Newt Scamander
Comments: 3
Kudos: 38





	Living for Something Else

It was all so overwhelming.

Everything had happened so fast, one incident upon another, and Newt had barely held himself together from panicking over and over. First Hugo escaped and  _robbed a bank_ , and then everything with his other creatures, and Jacob, and  _god why did all of this have to happen to_ _**him?** _ _ \-  _ He had barely managed to keep it all in, keep standing, keep going, stay strong. His creatures needed him, and he had to stay strong for them, because they couldn't take care of themselves in their made-up habitats.

That didn't stop him from being curled up right outside his shed and sobbing into his arms, shaking and gasping for breath. It was all just  _ so much _ , with Credence being killed -he couldn't be dead could he? He couldn't have failed  _ another one- _ and Grindelwald being revealed and captured, and everything else. He was finally crashing, feelings overwhelming him and breaking him apart at the seams.  
He barely noticed when Dougal climbed onto his back, but his warmth and weight were reassuring, and then his fingers were in his hair, and ever so slowly Newt calmed down. Everything was just dragging him down, every failure, every single thing that he had done  _ wrong _ .  
He sniffed and rubbed his eyes when he felt finally calm again, shifting slightly, letting Dougal climb into his lap instead and wrapping his arms around his neck. Newt gently wrapped his arms around Dougal in turn, taking deep breaths, leaning his head back. 

His creatures still loved him. His creatures didn't judge him, they didn't fault him for anything. And they needed him, just as much as he needed them.

Two gentle knocks reverberated through the case, but Newt didn't want to care for it. He was staying with the Goldsteins still, having to clean up the last bits of messes or something or other, especially after giving Jacob the suitcase of Occamy eggshells. He just wanted to go home, but he also  _ didn't _ , and he just wished nothing of any of this would've happened. That he could've met Tina, and Queenie, and Jacob, under different circumstances. He knew that was as likely as being bitten by a shark. He was glad he had made friends, but he didn't want to annoy them, he didn't want to be a bother, he didn't want to be a  _ burden _ , with all his stupid problems and all his senseless self-hate.  
He was still trying to figure out  _ why _ they liked him,  _ why _ they bothered to keep him around. He was nothing but trouble, he was a magnet for it, and they  _ still _ said they liked him? He didn't understand it, he  _ couldn't _ -

“Newt?”

Newt tensed, hearing his name being called. Tina. He was glad it wasn't Queenie, because he didn't think he had the energy to keep his thoughts in some form of order that Queenie wouldn't know what he felt like and what he thought.  
He let Dougal climb out of his lap, carefully pushing himself up to stand, rubbing his eyes. He knew his eyes would be red, but that was something he had to live with. He could just lie about it, but he didn't really feel like talking anyways. He didn't want to see Tina at all, but he knew she wouldn't be satisfied until she had seen him.

“Newt?”, Tina stepped out of the shed, seeing Newt standing there already. He had his gaze lowered, fiddling with his fingers, shoulders hunched, trying to hide away.  
“Are you alright?”, Tina's voice was soft, concerned, and it made Newt feel worse. Why did she worry so much about him? He didn't deserve to be worried about like this.  
“Mhhm.”, Newt nodded, refusing to look up at Tina. He just wanted her to leave. Slightly turned away from Tina, not looking at her, barely glancing up at her through his bangs. He didn't want to talk. Would she leave him alone? He could tell she was worried, she was hurt that he was so deflective.  
“Alright..”, Tina sighed. “You know you can talk to us though, right? We're here for you.”, she reached out to lay a hand onto Newt's arm, but he was almost flinching away from it, so she pulled her hand away.

“I know..”, Newt muttered instead, and while Tina very much wanted to press, she knew it'd do more damage than not. So she quietly left Newt alone, going back through the shed and out of the case. It hurt to see Newt hurting like that, being so down and... and not okay. She wondered what it was. She hadn't seen what all had happened in the subway, of course, but Newt had seemed fine at the time.  
Newt hated to hurt Tina, and he _knew_ he hurt Tina, but.. he couldn't help it. He felt so worthless, and how could he be of any help now when he didn't feel like existing at the slightest?

He only came out the next day then. He didn't feel any better, and he would prefer to just stay down in his case and be surrounded by his creatures, but he knew Tina and Queenie worried about him. So he joined them for breakfast, trying to not let Queenie know how he felt and what he thought. So he kept his head empty, and thought of what he had to do that day. Which creatures needed what, who needed more attention than the others for once.  
He avoided all questions, making breakfast rather quiet, trying to distract from himself whenever he was addressed and letting Tina or Queenie talk. Neither seemed to want to give up talking with him, but Newt really preferred not to say anything. He didn't like speaking a lot when he didn't feel quite like himself. So it was no wonder when Newt fled the scene as quickly as possible, hurrying back down into his case, to hide away from the world.

He was just... so _tired_.

He curled up in the Occamys' nest, as tight as he could, feeling his babies curl up around him. The oldest one, Hera, was nuzzled against his hands and close to his face. He always took great comfort in them, but all he wanted was to sleep forever.  
He was so tired, he felt like he could sleep for days. He _wanted_ to sleep for days, to never get up and move again. He was tired, and he wanted to sleep, and do nothing _but_ sleep, and he was very tempted to just stay here.  
But he knew he couldn't sleep forever. His creatures needed him. He knew they needed him, so he had to function at least long enough and often enough to care for them. That would be enough, function enough for his creatures, because they needed him.

He came back upstairs for dinner. He didn't really feel any better, he was tired enough for a lifetime. But he pushed all his negative thoughts away, and kept his head blissfully empty as he joined Tina and Queenie at the table, sitting down.  
“Hey Newt.”, Tina greeted softly. Newt was avoiding looking at either of them, rubbing his arms lightly. He was wearing his coat -his comfort item of choice. “Are you feeling better?”.  
Newt shrugged lightly, “I'm fine.”. Queenie looked worriedly at him, but she knew he didn't like his mind read. But it was basically screaming at her, with silence. Hurt people are easiest to be read.  
“Newt..”, Queenie started, but Newt shook his head.  
“Please don't.”, he said quietly, and Queenie stayed quiet. She so desperately wanted to know what was wrong, but Newt was avoiding all thought. All she could tell was that he was tired, very, very tired. She didn't want to pry deeper, to see what was wrong, when Newt didn't want to tell them.

They ate in relative silence. Tina talked a bit about work, making conversation with Queenie. But there was a lot of quiet. A lot of worried looks towards Newt, which he expertly ignored. But at one point, Newt excused himself quite suddenly, leaving for the bathroom.  
He felt slightly panicked when he left, and Queenie felt that rush, making her worry spike immediately. Exchanging a look with Tina, Queenie stood up to follow.

Newt locked himself in the bathroom, sleeves pushed up and washing his arms. He had scratched at it throughout dinner, and now there was blood beneath his nails, and he was panicking, and he didn't have anything to stop it either, and _god_ he was so _stupid_ , why did he _do that?_ He couldn't have kept his head on straight and used his brain for a moment, could he?  
He tried to calm his thoughts, knowing he was basically broadcasting them for Queenie, not wanting her to worry. At least he kept the worst of it out, the sight of his arm, the mess his continuous scratching had made. He pressed tp to it, hoping it'd stop soon. It was just scratched open, it shouldn't bleed for too long, it'd be fine.

“Newt?”

Queenie's voice startled Newt, and he immediately bit down on his lip -as if that would quieten his thoughts at all.  
“Y-yes?”, he answered, chewing on his lip. He didn't want Queenie to know, he didn't want her to _see_ , he just wanted her to leave him alone and stop worrying.  
“Are you alright?”, Queenie asked softly, and Newt could _hear_ the worry in her voice.  
“Yes.”, Newt replied, and while it was obviously a lie, he hoped Queenie would understand and leave him for now.   
There was silence for a while between them, and Newt was almost scared to breathe. But, finally, Queenie seemed to relent. “Alright.”, she said softly, and Newt heard her leave.

Once the bleeding finally stopped, Newt joined them back at the dining table. There was a lot of silence, everyone just finishing their meals. While Newt had been away, Queenie had told Tina what little she knew. Which wasn't a lot -Newt had scratched some sort of wound open and had panicked over it apparently. They both worried immensely, but there was nothing they could do.  
Once dinner was done, Newt immediately left back into his case. The sisters could only look worriedly after him, hoping he would be okay on his own.

As it turned out, Newt left a few days later. He desperately needed to get away, get away from all the noise and people and _everything_. So he left, to go back home to England, sending a letter to Theseus as well. While Newt would prefer to just stay on his own, and wither away, he needed someone to look after him and make sure he _didn't_ do just that.  
He knew he'd still try, because he wasn't good at taking care of himself when he felt so horrible, but he knew he could count on Theseus. They weren't extremely close, but they certainly cared extremely about the other. Newt knew Theseus cared, even if he didn't understand.  
He could lose himself, and break apart, and Theseus would be there to put the pieces back together, until Newt could function by himself again.


End file.
